Family Values
by maximushyrule
Summary: Link is a terrible parent, his daughter is stranger than any loonytoon, Zelda is a combination of a caring mother and psychopath, their oldest son can't keep his pants on and their youngest son is the only mostly normal person in the family. Rate&Review!
1. Celebration Dinner

Shortly after defeating Ganondorf, Link and his wife Zelda got married. They had a daughter and due to Zelda being unconscious and Link having smoked pot and watched 'Gladiator' (you know with Russell Crowe), she was named Maximus (they also had two sons but they come in later).

Maximus grew up to be a very attractive and athletic and due to Link's terrible parenting skills, she became a little odd. One day after Maximus's Hockey team won a game, Link and his family decided to have dinner. They went to a Mexican restaurant and ordered burritos. Link and Zelda decided to go to the bathroom before the food arrived and Maximus stayed at the table.

During the time that they were gone, the food arrived. Maximus heartily dug in and ate all the burritos. When Link returned, he was pissed off to find that all of his burritos were gone.

"You suck! Why'd you eat all the burritos?!" he demanded.

"Link we can order more burritos." Zelda said.

Maximus smiled and said, "Because you were here. But they were wonderful. They were covered with cheese and hot sauce and they were oozing with beef and beans." she said with a smile.

Her attitude towards his burritos fueled his anger. He pointed a fork at her and said, " I challenge you to a D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!" Yugi-oh Style.

Everyone in the restaurant gasped at the challenge. "I accept." Maximus said.

A waiter bought out a platter of the biggest, spiciest, cheesiest burritos and a pitcher of lemonade. "The winner is the challenger who does not drink from the pitcher." the waiter said.

They both yelled "fine" and began to chow down. They finished off plate after plate and finally after the tenth platter of burritos, Link gave in to their spiciness and drank from the pitcher.

"Haha you lose, Link!" Maximus said.

Link chucked a fork at her but she dodged it and it hit some guy in the eye.

"Link! What's the matter with you!? Tell him that your sorry." Zelda said.

"Alright, I'm sorry." he said reluctantly.

"Say it like you mean it or we won't have _fun_ tonight."

"I'm so sorry. Will you ever forgive me?" Link said with more emotion.

"Haha, Ma's got you whipped." Maximus said with a laugh.

"That's it!" Link stood up and chased her. He chased her out the restaurant. He chased her down the street. He chased her until she did Young Link's Super Smash Bros Melee move and jumped between to buildings and climbed a roof.

"Damn my inability to jump as an adult!" Link said. He walked away defeated this time but he vowed revenge.


	2. Quality Time

"I'LL MACE YOU GOOD!" Link shouted as he chased his daughter down the street. This one morning she had sent him over the edge. She had hurt his feelings. It was true that he had chased her before with a sword but today he wildly swung a mace at her.

"You'll never catch me! You'll never catch me!" Maximus taunted him. They ran around until they ended up where they started, at the palace. He continued to chase her inside. Servants and waiters dipped and ducked to escape Link's reckless swings. Vases were broken, pots were tipped, nothing was safe.

After chasing her up a few floors, they arrived in their quarters, where Zelda was just about to leave for a meeting. They both tried to stop but Maximus still ended up crashing into Zelda.

After standing up and noticing that Link was holding a mace, Zelda said, "what's going on here?"

Maximus abruptly said, "nothing".

Link shot her a glare. "Nothing?! I'll show you nothing!" he pulled out the mace again.

"Calm down., now what happened?" Zelda said.

"She… She hurt my feeling!!" Link covered his face with his hands to hide his tears. "she made fun of me because I'm an orphan!! She talked about my earrings!! She said my tunic was too long! She broke my ocarina!!!" he said through tears.

"Maximus! You know how sensitive your father is." Zelda hugged him and patted his shoulder.

"You stool pigeon, why'd you tell?!" Maximus shouted.

"Because you hurt my feelings!"

"You chased me with a mace! That's child abuse, I should call DCFS on you!"

"I'm the queen and it would be your word against ours." Zelda said. Link smiled and hugged her.

"I'll get you next time old man!" Maximus vowed. "Puss." she said.

"Wench." he responded.


End file.
